No Sleepovers Allowed

I just read an article called Why My Family Doesn't Do Sleepovers by Tim Challies and I completely agree with it. I was never allowed to sleepover at anyone's house. Even when I would come home from college for a weekend, my parents would look at me like I had three heads if I mentioned the idea of staying at someone else's house for the night. As a kid I thought it was unfair that everyone else had sleepovers but I was never allowed to participate. I felt like it made me weird or made my parents weird because we didn't follow the societal norm of sleepovers. My parents did allow my friends to sleepover at my house but I was never allowed out. My friends thought that was unfair that they could sleep at my house but I couldn't sleep at theirs. How could I explain why my parents were so overprotective? As a child I didn't fully understand why my parents were so scared to let me out of their sights for a night. What is the big deal? Well let me tell you, as an adult, I can honestly say maybe my parents should have been even stricter. They were trying to protect me from something I couldn't even imagine at that age. Child molestation is the biggest risk, but there are other less severe risks as well. Children are vulnerable and innocent, they don't realize all the ways in which their vulnerability can create issues and make them act in utterly foolish ways. But lets focus on the main risk - There is not a single benefit that can outweigh the risk of child molestation.

The reason for the blanket rule rather than a case by case analysis can be summarized by the statement Challies makes:

The reason we drew the rule so firmly was that it removes exceptions and explanations. [W]e did not want to have to explain to a family why we allowed our children to stay with others but not with them. 

Realistically it is easier to say no to all sleepovers than to try to explain why you feel more comfortable letting your child sleep at one person's house but not another's. Should you allow kids to sleepover at your house then like my parents did? Or should it be a two-way rule? No sleepovers regardless of whose house it is?

Challies quotes James Dobson, who wrote the book Bringing Up Girls (which I hope to read someday):

Until you have dealt with little victims as I have and seen the pain in their eyes, you might not fully appreciate the devastation inflicted by molestation. It casts a long shadow on everything that follows, including future marital relationships. Therefore, parents have to think the unthinkable in every situation. The threat can come from anywhere—including neighbors, uncles, stepfathers, grandfathers, Sunday school teachers, coaches, music instructors, Scout leaders, and babysitters. Even public bathrooms can be dangerous today…

As if that wasn't scary enough on its own, Challies gives his own list of threats:

As I got older I learned of several people I knew who had been taken advantage of during sleepovers, and it wasn’t a perverse father in most cases, but a predatory older brother or sister or cousin. Sometimes it was even the friend himself.

Now consider these statistics from this source:

Studies by David Finkelhor, Director of the Crimes Against Children Research Center, show that:

• 1 in 5 girls and 1 in 20 boys is a victim of child sexual abuse;
• Self-report studies show that 20% of adult females and 5-10% of adult males recall a childhood sexual assault or sexual abuse incident;
• During a one-year period in the U.S., 16% of youth ages 14 to 17 had been sexually victimized;
• Over the course of their lifetime, 28% of U.S. youth ages 14 to 17 had been sexually victimized;
• Children are most vulnerable to CSA between the ages of 7 and 13.

If that doesn't make you think twice about protecting your children better, I don't know what will. I know some will argue that we can't protect our kids from everything and having a sleepover in a protected environment with people you trust should not be something that is taken away from a person's childhood experiences. The only problem is, you will only realize how unsafe a situation is after something bad happens. Of course you trust your (enter any friend or relative), but what happens when you find out that person hurt your child? It is too late. You can never undo the pain and suffering a child experiences from being molested. NEVER. So why even take the risk?

All this being said, I know that child molestation is not something we can cure and rid the world of by not having sleepovers. No matter how much you protect your children, something could still happen, whether it is of this nature or something completely different. That's part of life and unfortunately there is only so much a person can do.

On a less serious note, I'm pretty sure my parents also had a secondary reason for never allowing sleepovers. If a kid is never allowed to sleepover, not when they are 5 years old, or 16, or even 21 in my case, they can't lie about where they are "sleeping over" because they aren't allowed to in the first place. My dad was young once even though he acts like he was never younger than 40. He knew the ways people (especially girls) lie to their parents and sneak around - and he was not having those shenanigans in his house.

The Fault In Our Stars

NOTE: There are no actual spoilers in this post. I do talk about minor events but they in no way give away the movie or book's plot.  

I read The Fault In Our Stars by John Green a few weeks ago and I absolutely LOVED it. I read pretty slowly and tend to take my time with books to savor them, but this book I devoured within two days because I just couldn't get enough. It had me giggling and smiling and crying and feeling all sorts of emotions. It is simply AMAZING. I waited to write this post because I knew the movie was coming out soon and I figured I could include my thoughts on the movie as well. I saw the movie last night and can I just say - WOW. Obviously the movie left out a few things that were in the book because of time constraints. In my opinion the plot points that were left out were not crucial to the story. For example there's a swing set that in the book the characters talk about and then sell on craigslist, but in the movie they only discuss it, which was enough. Also there is a letter in both the movie and the book but how the character got the letter is different - again I think they just have to leave out some stuff in movies because of the amount of time it would take to show it exactly like the book. Another small difference was that in the book there is a restaurant and the characters are sitting outdoors, in the movie they are indoors. No big deal. 

Overall the movie really did a great job following the story of the book. In fact, I think the movie did a better job at showing some of the romance. Usually the reason people enjoy books more is because a person's imagination is so vast and creative that a movie just can't capture the full array of all that is imagined. Also, each person can read the same lines and imagine different things. When I read the book, I read the romantic lines and smiled or giggled. It seemed more playful in my head. But when I watched the movie, even the romantic lines brought me to tears! They were so powerful and moving. It was so much deeper and stronger than I imagined. The director did such a great job bringing so much depth into those tender emotions that it really knocked me off my feet. This is the first time I can honestly say that a movie's portrayal of something was so much better than I could have imagined. The actors did an amazing job - I LOVE LOVE LOVE the guy they picked for Augustus Waters - He was PERFECT. 

In summary - if you haven't read the book READ IT! If you haven't watched the movie WATCH IT! But no lie, take a box of tissues with you because there was at least one scene that I could have sworn the entire theater was in tears. This is one of the best books/movies I've read/seen in a long time and it's truly in a category of its own. 

#YesAllWomen #NotAllMen

I'm sure most of you have heard of the #YesAllWomen trend that started this past weekend due to a deeply tragic and completely senseless event that took place - Elliot Rodger killed 6 people because he's a psycho misogynistic __(enter your own expletives here)___. Some are calling this the Santa Barbara Massacre/Killing Spree. Click here for more information on the victims of this crime. This whole thing happened because he was so mad that women kept refusing to have sex with him - he was on a war against women. He even posted youtube videos saying exactly what he was going to do and why and no one took him seriously. As a result, the hashtag, which has been trending on twitter, was created to show that YES ALL WOMEN have experienced some creeper at one time or another in their lives and have been approached in an inappropriate way. Just because it didn't lead to being killed doesn't mean that it is not significant. We need to address the issues that cause the killings, not just the crazy people that take it to that level. Here's a video about just how crazy he is why this is such a big deal. He's more than a madman and it's a societal problem.

Now before you go saying but it's #NotAllMen - READ THIS ARTICLE!! It talks all about how by saying "but it's not ALL men" you're just avoiding the real issue. The main reasons the author of that article says it's not helpful to say that is because:

1. Women know it's not all men.
2. You're being defensive. When you're too busy defending your point, you're not really focusing on what the other person is actually saying.
3. You're sidetracking from the actual conversation.
4. Women can't know just by seeing you if you fall into the safe or unsafe category (unless they know you personally).

Those are the reasons saying "not all men" is not helpful. But what are ways that men CAN be helpful? Well for starters, listen when women say what creepers have done. Read those tweets at #YesAllMen. Be part of that conversation and learn how you can avoid being part of the problem. Then, after all that - TEACH YOUR SONS how to be better men so we as a society can progress and be better and treat women with more respect. 

Started reading the #YesAllWomen tweets b/c I've got a daughter, but now I see I should be reading them b/c I've got two sons.
— Albert W Dubreuil (@awdubreuil) May 25, 2014

You may be wondering why I'm so passionate about this - aside from being a woman and knowing exactly how women feel. I'm so enraged by the audacity of some men. I had to be escorted to my car today after being stalked and totally creeped out while grocery shopping. The man made inappropriate comments, tried to touch me, and stalked me to the point where I was YELLING at him to leave me the eff alone and to stay away from me. Why any man would think that this behavior is OK, is beyond me. On the one hand I wanted to shove my shopping cart straight into the guy and cause him bodily harm but on the other hand I was afraid. What if he has a weapon? What if he follows me to my car? How far can this interaction go? Thankfully I made it home safely, but the fact that I felt so unsafe and continuously had to look over my shoulder while grocery shopping is just absurd. Unfortunately it is the world we live in and it isn't a safe one. This is an important discussion because #YesAllWomen have experienced some level of this type of behavior. No, it's not all men, but you can always learn from others even if you don't think you're part of the problem. Let's all be part of the solution because this isn't a woman-only issue. It's a society issue and we all need to take responsibility, create awareness, and encourage positive changes.

Mother's Day..

I have a lot of mixed feelings about mother's day and I'm going to have a little rant about it..

I'm not a mother yet but I know if/when I have children it will be because I WANT to have kids, not because I expect recognition for giving birth to these little people, and it's not to be vain. Everyone has different reasons for having kids. Some people have them because they think that's what is expected, some have them out of vanity (to create mini versions of themselves), some have them because they truly want to be parents, some have them by accident, etc. The reason you have kids might influence how you feel about those kids, for some people. Whether you meant to have the kids or not, you grow into this thing called a parent and that can mean lots of different things to different people, I'm sure.

Ok I'm going to stop being politically correct and stop trying to avoid offending anyone… If you don't want to potentially get offended - don't continue reading - everything beyond this point (well really anywhere on this blog) is my opinion and I can damn well think whatever the hell I want.


If/when I have kids it will be because I want a chance at being a parent to lots of kids that will hopefully grow up to be functioning members of society that contribute to their communities in meaningful ways aka grow up to not be losers. I think I have what it takes to be a good parent. So 10, 15, 20, 25, 50 years from now when my kids are old enough to really understand and appreciate me as a mother and in turn mother's day, I don't want that holiday to be about gifts. All I want is for them to hang out with me or call me if they are far. That's all. It shouldn't be a financial burden to show that you care. I'm not having children just to earn the right to gifts, I'm not entitled to that. The only person that might need to give me gifts would be my husband because I would be giving him something he couldn't have on his own (the kids)*. But the kids, they didn't ask to be born, they don't get a choice in who their parents are and it is stupid to think that those kids OWE you anything. Yes, you cleaned their diapers, wiped their throw-up, stayed up night after night losing precious hours of sleep to raise these children, and made countless other sacrifices for them. BUT. YOU. ARE. THE. PARENT. That was your job. That is your job. That will be your job. Thats what parents DO! I'm not saying that kids shouldn't appreciate those things, but I am damn sick of people making such a huge fuss out of mother's day or even father's day to show appreciation by way of gifts (hello gold diggers of the world) for people who presumably chose to have the job of being parents. Any lack of gifts could result in catastrophic disappointment so proceed cautiously. If/when I become a parent I know what I'm signing up for. The same way I chose a career - you do research, you pick what you think fits, and you go forward full speed. That's how parenting is - you read baby books and blogs, research different parenting methods and decide how you plan to raise your kids, and then go forward full speed (because you have no other choice). It's an active decision to be a parent. (You could have put your kids up for adoption but you decided to keep them). It is not, however, an active decision to be a needy child who requires its poopy diapers be cleaned. That's just how the world works. If being a parent had a proper job description it would be something like:

Parent Job Description:
Hours: 24/7 for the rest of your life (the true til death do us part)
Duties: Everything from cleaning up, feeding, providing for, to being a counselor, educator, life guide, role model, etc etc etc -- endless responsibilities, all while being utterly selfless and putting the child's needs before your own ALL THE TIME.


That all being said - I love my parents. My mom once told me that there will come a time that I will think I know way more than my parents and then later when I get a little older I'll realize my parents know more and I will learn to appreciate them in a way that I never knew how to appreciate them before. When she told me this I must have been in the "I know better than my parents" phase because I was like "eh whatever I appreciate you, you're cool." But for me the real appreciation began after I got married. I saw my parents differently. I can't explain exactly how or why the transformation occurred but I went into the "true appreciation" phase. No amount of gifts on mother's day or father's day would prove to my parents the love I have for them or how much I value them. Besides, my parents are pretty practical people and don't really care about gifts unless its something they need and it's really hard to buy someone something they need when they take care of themselves well enough on their own. My point is, the real gift I can give my parents, today, tomorrow, and everyday is to respect them, love them, and pass on everything I learned from them to my younger siblings and some day to my own children. 

That's not to say that gifts aren't nice gestures, but your parents didn't give birth to you so you could grow up one day and shower them with gifts. There's no such thing as a repayment plan for parents. The hard work they put in can never ever ever be repaid to them. But as a parent, you have no right to be disappointed that you didn't get the type of mother's day or father's day you had in mind. (And don't go around demanding it be a certain way either because gifts that come from the heart without demands are way better than forced gifts which have almost no meaning). If you raised your child with the morals and goals that you raised them with then they are doing exactly what you taught them to do. For me that means not giving my parents a gift because that's not something I was raised to consider crucial - but the endless amount of love, respect, and care I have for them CAN ONLY be topped by how much they love me. A child can never love a parent the same as the way a parent loves a child, its just not possible. (That is a theoretical statement, I know there are always exceptions to the rule, but let's stick to the norm).

*Husband's and wife's giving each other mother's and father's day gifts makes more sense than expecting a gift from your kid (even if that kid is a grown adult) because you chose to have kids with that person and they helped you through the parenting process and each needs to give the other the praise and appreciation that they are due whether in the form of gifts or otherwise.

Anyway moral of the story:
- If your parents are alive - call them, tell them you care, and always continue to learn from them because someday they might not be around and you don't want to miss out on all they can give you (and I don't mean that financially).
- If you are a parent - don't complain about stupid holidays like mother's day or father's day. Be the best parent you can be and know that your kids will learn to appreciate you someday, even if they never show it.
- Also if you are a parent - appreciate that you were able to have kids that turned out ok. Some people struggle to have kids. Others struggle to raise the kids to be good people. If you have good kids - YOU SHOULD BE APPRECIATIVE that all your hard work amounted to something - gifts prove nothing when it comes to raising kids.


I could go on ranting but here is an article you can read that talks about how to not be disappointed for mother's day. My favorite part of the article is:

Motherhood bends. Entitlement demands.

Motherhood serves. Entitlement stomps its foot.

Motherhood delights. Entitlement keeps lists.

Motherhood laughs. Entitlement whines.

Motherhood celebrates. Entitlement sulks.

Motherhood forgets itself in favor of remembering her dimple, his fastest mile, their mouths all ringed around with chocolate.

Entitlement tastes bitterness in every bite of a day that doesn’t go as planned.

(It could easily say parenthood or fatherhood instead of motherhood because there are some amazing dads out there that are just as hardworking and valuable as their counterparts.)

"Everyone Has A Struggle"

"Everyone has a struggle" is my motto. I say it to myself and to others all the time. Although its basic enough to understand, I don't think people really think about it as much as they should.

Look, let's be real. Everyone judges people and that's not necessarily a bad thing if you're not doing it in a bad way. Disliking something someone does and then talking about it to everyone you know (aka backbiting) is the bad way of judging. I know something people often say is "Only God can judge me." Ultimately, that may very well be true that only God can judge you to determine where you end up after you die, but don't get it twisted, everyone is judging you the same as you are judging everyone else. People's judgements won't send you to hell or heaven or wherever else but they are an important aspect of self-awareness and growth (and for some people a source of entertainment).

Liking or disliking something someone does and thinking to yourself things like: "I like this, I want to try to do something like that" or "I don't think that's how things should be done, if I'm in that type of situation I would handle it differently" or "I'm not sure how I would handle that situation, but that is an interesting way that this person handled it" or even "wow what an idiot!" -- Those are all judgments but they aren't bad when they are in you're own head and for your own benefit and they are so natural. Everyone does it and everyone should to an extent. You judging someone in that way helps to develop you own moral compass without having to go through a situation yourself. You're learning from the mistakes of others and gaining valuable insight on how you feel or would feel if a similar situation presented itself to you. You might not even realize that is what you're doing but every judgement you make about someone is saying something about how you feel on an issue and how you much you agree or disagree or are neutral towards the actions the person took in that situation. Judging anyone says more about who you are as a person. That is very valuable information!! The more you know about yourself, the better equipped you are to handle life. When you know your strengths and weakness you have the ability to draw on those strengths and work on the weakness. Judging has a potential to give you a sense of self-awareness.

Now how does all this judgment relate to my motto? Well so far we have established that everyone judges and that's okay. The problem arises when we judge people but forget to realize that Everyone Has A Struggle. You might think a person is acting a certain way because of this and that and the third, but if you forget to take into account the struggle, you might be misjudging. No one's life is perfect and if it seems perfect right now, their struggle might be on the way or is already in the past. Some people think they face more struggles or more difficult struggles than others BUT that is a judgement. What you consider a struggle is based on what you've gone through and what those around you have gone through. So when you see Person A with their perfect little life that has nowhere near the type of struggles you consider to be "real struggles" you judge them and think things about them. That is so unfair. First of all you don't know everything about everyone so stop right there. Second, just because someone's struggle doesn't seem as bad to you, doesn't mean they aren't tortured by something a) that you're not aware of or b) that is something you haven't experienced and if you did maybe you would think differently. They always say you shouldn't judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes-- but you're not always going to understand someone else's shoes/life.

How are we supposed to understand that everyone has a struggle if we don't understand what their struggle is? Now that is a great and very important question. You DO NOT need to understand what their struggle is to accept that they have/had/will have a (or many) struggle(s) in their life. Basically, be compassionate. You don't know how someone got to where they are, what they think, how they feel, where they are headed next, what secrets the past or future holds. Even if the person you're judging is your own parent, sibling, child, spouse, BFF, or other person that you feel extremely close with and think you know as much as a person could know about another person - you don't until you acknowledge "the struggle" that they have had, currently have, could later have, or any combo thereof. You don't have to know about it or understand it but you do have to accept that there could be something that makes life a little different for them than it does for you. Just being able to accept that will automatically change the way in which you judge. You're still going to do it, but it will be with an asterisk and that asterisk will say *Everyone has a struggle.

A Clash of Kings

A few days ago I finally finished the second book in the A Song of Fire and Ice series aka the Game of Thrones series - A Clash of Kings. After I finished reading the first book (A Game of Thrones) I tried to read a couple of other books before starting the second book. Every day that went by between the first and second book I could not stop thinking about starting the second book. The imagery is so good you can't help but imagine the characters and their lives and wonder what's going to happen next. So finally I started the second book and it went soooo slow. I still enjoyed the story but without giving away any spoilers, basically they focused too much on certain aspects of the story that I started getting bored. I wanted to get a bullet-point version for some parts or to skim it, and I usually never feel that way. I definitely didn't feel that way about the first book but this second book really dragged. Still a great story but I wish some parts moved more quickly. I thought that after finishing the second book I wouldn't be as in a hurry to read the third book because of the boredom factor in the second book.. but alas.. The author has done his magic on me. I'm dying to start the third book to know what happens next. I feel so invested in the story. I care about the characters. I love when an author can write a story in a way that really captures the audience. I'm going to try to wait a few more days before committing to the third book, but I am anxious to get to it. I say committing because I really do feel that each book is a little bit of a commitment since the books are so lengthy.

The Stranger.. more like the psycho..

Amazon recommended a book to me that sounded intriguing so I decided to buy it and read it - especially since it was only 123 pages, I figured it wouldn't take much time out from all the other reading I've got planned. 

Maybe I should read a few reviews before listening to Amazon's recommendations next time. The book is called The Stranger by Albert Camus and it was a total waste of time. Basically the gist of the story is that there is a guy who is totally psycho and doesn't feel any emotion for anything - not when his mom dies and not when he later kills a man for no apparent reason other than it was hot outside and the heat was bothering him. Then he sits in prison awaiting his trial, where he is ultimately found guilty. After testimony regarding the way the man acted at his own mother's funeral the prosecutor argues that the guy has a depraved heart for being so callous and that he's basically a soulless monster and deserves to die. They sentence him to a public beheading. The guy just rambles on about how he doesn't believe in God and how now he feels better knowing that the world is as indifferent as he is. MAKES NO DAMN SENSE. Either that or its meaning and depth are beyond me. 

I didn't find any enjoyment in reading this book and anytime I've tried to analyze it and come to terms with it, it just makes me more confused and annoyed. Basically I don't recommend it, its a total waste of time. In fact, after reading the Wikipedia post about it, I honestly think Wikipedia did a better job explaining and summarizing the WHOLE book so don't bother buying it or getting it from a library. Read the Wiki post and call it a day if you're curious enough to do even that. I'm really annoyed at Amazon for recommending me this book. Step up your game Amazon. 

Bully .. Bullying .. and the Wussification of America

Bullying has become a hot topic of discussion lately and with any hot topic item, the terminology seems to get into everyone's mouth, which is great to promote awareness of the issues, but I'm really sick of people overusing the words in the wrong way. There are lots of situations that involve REAL bullying that are devastating. I'm not talking about that. What I'm talking about is when someone says they are being bullied to gain sympathy for being a victim when they are not victims at all. A bully by definition is “a blustering, quarrelsome, overbearing person who habitually badgers and intimidates smaller or weaker people” (Dictionary.com). A victim of bullying then would be a person who suffers from this badgering and intimidation and would be a person who is smaller or weaker than the bully. Ok so we’re clear on definitions now. WHY WOULD YOU EVER WANT TO BE A VICTIM OF BULLYING OR CLAIM TO BE IF ITS NOT THE TRUTH? 

Herein lies the issue. We as Americans have become so sensitive to the issue of bullying that when we hear the words bully or bullying we automatically think of a bad situation - we assume the worst. We dole out sympathies and attention like its candy. This is how we fall prey to false victims and attention seekers. Instead of encouraging equality, fairness, and autonomy, we give rise to this movement of (as The Bert Show calls it) the WUSSIFICATION OF AMERICA. People pull out the victim card and we say ‘oh yes, that was terrible, don’t worry that person is horrible and you’re the one that’s right.’ 

UH NO. You can’t just claim to be the victim of bullying (especially on a one time argument - re-read the definition - it requires habitual action) so that people will sympathize and tell you what you wanted to hear all along. We shouldn’t allow that or encourage that. What we should encourage is for people to fight their own battles, with people their own size (physically and mentally), and stop pretending to be victims when they were simply people of opposing views who stood on equal grounds and may have offended each other in equal respects. By claiming to be a victim you are claiming to be the weaker person and I don’t know about you, but I would never want to BE the weaker person or even THINK that I’m the weaker person. RISE ABOVE – be the stronger person or at least AS strong as the person you’re claiming bullied you. Look in a mirror, and ask yourself if that person is bigger and stronger than you to a point where you are legitimately being FOR REAL BULLIED. IF what you find is that no, you’re not really being bullied, you said it for dramatic flair, STFU and do everyone around you a favor and stop overdramatizing your life. It’s a dog eat dog world and survival of the fittest – you still want to be a victim? THEN GET EATEN ALIVE BITCHES. Let’s end the Wussification of America and teach the next generation to do the same. Playing the victim is so lame. There are real victims out there - let them be the only ones.

A Game of Thrones - initial thoughts

Happy new year! With the new year I started reading a new book - A Game of Thrones the first book in the A Song of Ice and Fire series by George R.R. Martin. I haven't watched the popular TV series, Game of Thrones, that is based on the series yet, but I plan to after I finish all 5 books. The first 50 or so pages are confusing because the author jumps right in to the mystical fantasy world that the reader knows nothing about (assuming you haven't already been watching the show). But after you overcome that initial chunk of information overload, you're able to catch on and figure out the main sides of the story. I say main sides because the book is eloquently written from differing perspectives of characters involved, which each chapter titles by the name of the person whose perspective you'll be reading about. I'm about 100 pages in so far and I'm starting to love it. Let's see where the next 700 pages leaves me..