I have a lot of mixed feelings about mother's day and I'm going to have a little rant about it..
I'm not a mother yet but I know if/when I have children it will be because I WANT to have kids, not because I expect recognition for giving birth to these little people, and it's not to be vain. Everyone has different reasons for having kids. Some people have them because they think that's what is expected, some have them out of vanity (to create mini versions of themselves), some have them because they truly want to be parents, some have them by accident, etc. The reason you have kids might influence how you feel about those kids, for some people. Whether you meant to have the kids or not, you grow into this thing called a
parent and that can mean lots of different things to different people, I'm sure.
Ok I'm going to stop being politically correct and stop trying to avoid offending anyone… If you don't want to potentially get offended - don't continue reading - everything beyond this point (well really anywhere on this blog) is my opinion and I can damn well think whatever the hell I want.
If/when I have kids it will be because I want a chance at being a parent to lots of kids that will hopefully grow up to be
functioning members of society that contribute to their communities in meaningful ways aka grow up to not be losers. I think I have what it takes to be a good parent. So 10, 15, 20, 25, 50 years from now when my kids are old enough to really understand and appreciate me as a mother and in turn mother's day, I don't want that holiday to be about gifts. All I want is for them to hang out with me or call me if they are far. That's all. It shouldn't be a financial burden to show that you care. I'm not having children just to earn the right to gifts, I'm not entitled to that. The only person that might need to give me gifts would be my husband because I would be giving him something he couldn't have on his own (the kids)*. But the kids, they didn't ask to be born, they don't get a choice in who their parents are and it is stupid to think that those kids OWE you anything. Yes, you cleaned their diapers, wiped their throw-up, stayed up night after night losing precious hours of sleep to raise these children, and made countless other sacrifices for them. BUT. YOU. ARE. THE. PARENT. That was your job. That is your job. That will be your job. Thats what parents DO! I'm not saying that kids shouldn't appreciate those things, but I am damn sick of people making such a huge fuss out of mother's day or even father's day to show appreciation by way of gifts (hello gold diggers of the world) for people who presumably chose to have the job of being parents.
Any lack of gifts could result in catastrophic disappointment so proceed cautiously. If/when I become a parent I know what I'm signing up for. The same way I chose a career - you do research, you pick what you think fits, and you go forward full speed. That's how parenting is - you read baby books and blogs, research different parenting methods and decide how you plan to raise your kids, and then go forward full speed (because you have no other choice). It's an active decision to be a parent. (You could have put your kids up for adoption but you decided to keep them). It is not, however, an active decision to be a needy child who requires its poopy diapers be cleaned. That's just how the world works. If being a parent had a proper job description it would be something like:
Parent Job Description:
Hours: 24/7 for the rest of your life (the true til death do us part)
Duties: Everything from cleaning up, feeding, providing for, to being a counselor, educator, life guide, role model, etc etc etc -- endless responsibilities, all while being utterly selfless and putting the child's needs before your own ALL THE TIME.
That all being said -
I love my parents. My mom once told me that there will come a time that I will think I know way more than my parents and then later when I get a little older I'll realize my parents know more and I will learn to appreciate them in a way that I never knew how to appreciate them before. When she told me this I must have been in the "I know better than my parents" phase because I was like "eh whatever I appreciate you, you're cool." But for me the real appreciation began after I got married. I saw my parents differently. I can't explain exactly how or why the transformation occurred but I went into the "true appreciation" phase. No amount of gifts on mother's day or father's day would prove to my parents the love I have for them or how much I value them. Besides, my parents are pretty practical people and don't really care about gifts unless its something they need and it's really hard to buy someone something they need when they take care of themselves well enough on their own. My point is, the real gift I can give my parents, today, tomorrow, and everyday is
to respect them, love them, and pass on everything I learned from them to my younger siblings and some day to my own children.
That's not to say that gifts aren't nice gestures, but your parents didn't give birth to you so you could grow up one day and shower them with gifts. There's no such thing as a repayment plan for parents. The hard work they put in can never ever ever be repaid to them. But as a parent, you have no right to be disappointed that you didn't get the type of mother's day or father's day you had in mind. (And don't go around demanding it be a certain way either because gifts that come from the heart without demands are way better than forced gifts which have almost no meaning). If you raised your child with the morals and goals that you raised them with then they are doing exactly what you taught them to do. For me that means
not giving my parents a gift because that's not something I was raised to consider crucial - but the endless amount of love, respect, and care I have for them CAN ONLY be topped by how much they love me. A child can never love a parent the same as the way a parent loves a child, its just not possible. (That is a theoretical statement, I know there are always exceptions to the rule, but let's stick to the norm).
*Husband's and wife's giving each other mother's and father's day gifts makes more sense than expecting a gift from your kid (even if that kid is a grown adult) because you chose to have kids with that person and they helped you through the parenting process and each needs to give the other the praise and appreciation that they are due whether in the form of gifts or otherwise.
Anyway moral of the story:
- If your parents are alive - call them, tell them you care, and always continue to learn from them because someday they might not be around and you don't want to miss out on all they can give you (and I don't mean that financially).
- If you are a parent - don't complain about stupid holidays like mother's day or father's day. Be the best parent you can be and know that your kids will learn to appreciate you someday, even if they never show it.
- Also if you are a parent - appreciate that you were
able to have kids that turned out ok. Some people struggle to have kids. Others struggle to raise the kids to be good people. If you have good kids - YOU SHOULD BE APPRECIATIVE that all your hard work amounted to something - gifts prove nothing when it comes to raising kids.
I could go on ranting but here is an article you can read that talks about
how to not be disappointed for mother's day. My favorite part of the article is:
Motherhood bends. Entitlement demands.
Motherhood serves. Entitlement stomps its foot.
Motherhood delights. Entitlement keeps lists.
Motherhood laughs. Entitlement whines.
Motherhood celebrates. Entitlement sulks.
Motherhood forgets itself in favor of remembering her dimple, his fastest mile, their mouths all ringed around with chocolate.
Entitlement tastes bitterness in every bite of a day that doesn’t go as planned.
(It could easily say parenthood or fatherhood instead of motherhood because there are some amazing dads out there that are just as hardworking and valuable as their counterparts.)
